Currently Listening Ladies & Gentlemen: The Best of George Michael By George Michael Careless Whispers see related

Christmas is here.  I can't believe it.

I really can't believe that I find out from Vanderbilt this week.  I think I have a good shot but I'm trying not to get my hopes up.  I'm still in shock that Im graduating in seven months.

Things always have a way of working themselves out.  and they have

Senior year is going well.  REALLY well.  I'm a little anxious about college but we'll see what happens.  I know I'll end up where I should be.

I have a fh game at 3:30.  and i have to finish making Christmas list for gparents.

mmmm I LOVE CHRISTMAS!

<3carolineee

Currently Listening In Between Dreams By Jack Johnson Banana Pancakes see related

whooooa haven't updated in a while.

so IB/AP tests are over except for my IB spanish one tomorrow   i am scared...

im going to the lake this weekend, and believe me.  I AM SO STOKED.

17th birthday was sweet, i can now watch R movies!  haha.  and let me tell you... BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN is amazing.

alright.. i really need to go... lots of things to do, especially world lit paper  bye guys.

<3caroline

Currently Listening The Room's Too Cold By Early November Ever So Sweet see related

my life has been a rollercoaster during the past three days.

i cant stand the attention, and i cant stand not getting the attention.

what do i want? can someone please tell me?

I'm blocking out my instinct and while i tell myself everything is okay, i dont know if it is.  Josh told me to just hang out.  I did yesterday and it told me what i wanted.  but after today, i just dont know.  Issues with Katelin and Justin are overwhelming me and I am no longer happy at school and want attention but cant seem to get it.  Yet I am told otherwise by my friends, that I am getting it.  Only why is it hidden from me? 

Maybe its the pragmatist in me, but i dont like all these unnecessary gray areas of life.  If things were clear, life would be simple and enjoyable.

The worst part is not being able to express it.

Off to Colorado for the weekend.  So stoked for my CU hoodie. haha.

PS SARAH GOT INTO HARVARD FOR PUBLIC HEALTH SCHOOL

Currently Listening Everytime We Touch By Cascada Everytime We Touch see related

hmm. fh game today 4:15.

sleepover at melissas tonight.

ttyl

<3caro

Currently Listening Phantoms By Acceptance Take Cover see related

ok so i really just need to get some things off my chest.

ive been really confused lately, like i just dont know what will happen for me in the future.  ive been thinking about kairos, college, extended essay, history IA, school, friends, fun, and more school.  but i just dont know what i want to do.  it feels like booker t. again, because im getting the same feeling.  but i cant do anything about it.  i want to, but i dont want to give in to that feeling.  plus the consquences are absolutely monumental.

i hate living like this, i'm finding more and more parallels from my life to anna karenina's, and of course something MUST be wrong if I'm at all similar to a literary protagonist, much less a tragic character that ends up committing suicide.  the only difference is that i havent succumbed to the overwhelming passion of desire that is slowly eating me alive.  not yet, anyways.

i feel like all i can do is wait it out.  the hardest part is being the only one to feel this way, and having so many caring people around me that i initially long to shun.  I see everyone living around me and being so happy, and i feel as if I am happy but only in a different world.  It is as if it is impossible for me to associate myself with society.  However in my efforts to associate myself I find that there is no way because still i am shunned for my decision.

I watched "Flava of Love" today and realized how degrading that show actually is.  In fact, our entire society is becoming more open which could result in a horrible, tragic end.  I know I'm not ready for this.  How can i express it?  I am losing what used to be an infinite craving.  Now, the flame is dying and I can't seem to find a way to relight it.  Sure, contact would help, but I contemplate whether or not it is deeper than that. 

Is it only because of what i am daily exposed to?  It is quite a possibility.  There's not a way to equally compare.  And engraved feelings cannot be erased with ease.  Yet I fear it could be more than that, perhaps erasing easier than I think.

Only time will tell, I suppose.

Ring Dance was amazing.  Thank you, Justin.

Tomorrow = local show with emily.  looking forward to that.

<3 caroline